I am constantly asked at the moment “How are you so strong after all you have been through?”.
For those who don’t know I lost my dad last year on March 10th 2018. It completely broke me to watch him deteriorate so quickly. 8 weeks later my mom went into cardiac arrest. Myself, my partner and her partner all took it in turns to do CPR, it was 7 minutes before she breathed again. She was taken to the hospital, put in a coma, transferred to intensive care, the same intensive care I watched my dad die in 8 weeks earlier 2 beds down from where he took his last breath. She made a miraculous recovery, came out of the hospital and whilst her memory wasn’t the same she seemed ok, she was still the mom we knew and loved. The most amazing woman. She told me I was put on this earth to save her as I’d also been on the phone to her while she was having a stroke some years before and stayed on the phone to keep her calm and told her what she needed to do.
On Sunday, February 17th 2019 I received the call that completely ripped me apart. My mom had suddenly died. I went into complete shock, I didn’t believe it, I still don’t believe it! My mom was the person id call hysterically crying when I was losing the plot over dads death! I suddenly felt so alone! I have my 2 sisters who are also heartbroken so I felt like I couldn’t call them or speak to them about it due to being too scared to upset them even more. I felt like such a failure, why wasn’t I there?! My mom had told me I was put on this earth to save her and I did nothing, had I have been there I could have done something. The lot has run through my head!
I would say I went into shock because I went back to work a week later and almost acted like nothing had happened, in my head, I thought I’ve just been through this so maybe I just know how to deal with it. A week later I sat in the doctors sobbing, honestly believing I had lost my mind. I was signed off work and took just over a week off. During this time I sat at home and was a complete mess. My Fiancee didn’t even know who I was I don’t think. I could barely speak, I didn’t want to speak, what did I have to talk about?!
As the following weeks have gone on I wouldn’t say I’m getting any stronger, I would say however I’m learning how to function. Some days I get up sobbing that I have to get dressed and go to work (maybe this is just me being lazy in all honesty), other days I think ‘Today is your day and you WILL make it a good one!’.
People say grief comes in waves and it absolutely does, no 2 days are the same. I think my biggest feeling currently is the feeling of being robbed. My whole life being ripped apart at 29, my parents will not see my walk down the aisle, meet my children, see our 14-year-old sister do her GCSE’S, see her pass her driving test, meet my older sisters future children. Just anything that could go through your mind has gone through mine.
So back to what this is about. People asking “How are you so strong?” the truth is I’m not. I’m not at all in fact. What I’m doing currently is surviving, existing, functioning.
What I need to be doing is LIVING! Living for the moment because trust me life is TOO SHORT! Whilst I have so much to completely crumble over I also have so much to LIVE for:
- My sisters
- My amazing Fiancee
- My wedding
- My honeymoon
- Hopefully being lucky enough to have children
- My in-laws (My mother in law to be is AMAZING! I’m not marrying into a mother/father in law from hell, that’s enough to be grateful for!)
My point is no matter what you are going through there are always things to live for!
Even if you’re truly at rock bottom you can live for the person you want to become, the person you CAN become. And if you don’t feel that way then speak to a doctor. There is absolutely zero shame in getting help because it is there if you need it.
My heart goes out to anyone who is going through anything similar or any form of grief, grief is grief and it bloody hurts but we have to keep on going. Over time we will learn to deal with these things. That does not mean we will ever forget! My parents are in my mind every single day and whilst life feels extremely cruel sometimes it does get easier. We must not feel guilty for smiling or moments of happiness (I know I have).
My mom had said to me that when anything happens to her she doesn’t want me crying and upset all the time like I was with Dad and I am trying my hardest to do that. If I can’t make my life a success for myself I will vow to do it for my angels who are watching over me and my sisters.
There are so many organisations and people to go to if you are going through the same. I’ve been given information for http://www.ataloss.org so it may be worth checking it out if you have the same going on.
That’s all I have to say for now.
Lots of love xx