Entering a new decade….

So, Its caught up with me, the big 30 and I cannot wait to see what it has in store! I think it’s going to be interesting in maybe 5-10 years from now looking back at my first blog posts and seeing how much has changed. I actually think my 30’s will be my best years. Your ’20s are about finding out who you are and honestly, your 30’s probably are too but just with giving less of a shit what other people think.

So how did I spend my birthday? The only logical way, In Amsterdam. What a bloody eye opener that was.

So what did I discover?

  • I live in the wrong country
  • I can’t drink without taking a nap in ever bar
  • I can sleep anywhere
  • Hangovers are horrendous (not that I hadn’t figured that one out)
  • I really should cycle, noone is overweight even though weed is openly smoked, a LOT
  • Walking through the red light district just made me want to ‘rescue’ all the girls. This is probably the time to point out that I’d hope they are there voluntarily and make 4x what I earn per day minimum
  • I love the bike taxi’s
  • Bitterballen are life
  • Clogs are not practical footwear to wear around Amsterdam unless you want completely bruised feet

I am however fully milking this birthday and throwing myself a Snoop Dogg bbq. I’ve drawn myself  Snoop Birthday board for people to sign, wearing Snoop clothing, Playing Snoops music, Basically, it’s all about me and Snoop!

With the realisation I’m no longer in my 20’s I did consider changing the name of the blog since 29 is no longer relevant but who cares!

I feel like turning 30 puts a lot of pressure on a person. I’ve started to ask where is my life going? Should I be having kids? Where is my career going? Am I too old to be rapping in my kitchen at 2am full of gin? My conclusion is to carry on being selfish, do what I want and see what happens!

Anyway going to shoot I’ve got grey hairs to dye and voltarol to rub on my joints!

If anyone has any tips for the dirty 30’s please do share!

Its Ciao for now xxx

Things that are always a disappointment….

In the wake of the biggest disappointment known to man AKA the Game Of Thrones Final, I got thinking about other things I hype up in my head which never really satisfy in the way id built myself up for!

Image may contain: text

  • Fake tan. I NEVER look like any of the girls on the ads, photo’s, youtube videos. I instead end up looking like I have vitiligo and not in the Winnie Harlow looking amazing way more in a kids staring and parents shushing them way! Day 1 I MAY look OK but by day 3/4 I’m a scaly disgusting lizard that has to wear a polo neck in July!
  • Any home acrylic kit ever. Just don’t. They will always look rank. Honestly, sitting having my cuticles drilled off by the local Chinese nail shop is a better option than the lumpy monstrosities I will do at home! Even better have them Gelled (I can recommend an unreal nail technician).
  • DIY Eyebrow Tint. Let me just tell you, combine this bullet point with bullet point one and hey presto, your eyebrows look like wotsits!
  • The number of crisps you get in a bag based on the size of the packet! Why have a big puffy bag only to break my heart with the 10 crisps in there!
  • McDonald’s. Why do I crave it so much because every time I eat it I think that was wack?! Then an hour later I feel sick and hungry again!
  • NYE! New years eve is built up to be the event of the year, we have so so so much expectation when the reality is every year is a disappointment. Maybe if I went into it with ‘this is going to be a crap night’ kind of attitude I may enjoy it more.
  • Birthdays. Especially birthday parties! OMG the pressure I put on myself on my birthday! How can I celebrate? Will anyone turn up? Will people be bored? What am I even celebrating I’m even older than yesterday!
  • Kitchen gadgets, I have a kitchen full of things ill never use. I have a vegetable spiralizer, who can be arsed! I have a chip cutter which is basically a criss-cross blade surrounded by plastic that makes life harder. I have a cheese grinder which again is basically a grater that makes life harder. The list goes on. Will I carry on buying this shit, yes!
  • My bank balance but that’s another story!
  • Trying somewhere new on just eat. This is such a gamble. Either its the best thing ever and you find a new takeaway you will be loyal to in the coming years or it takes like pig swill. There is no in-between!
  • When you take your push up bra off and your tits look like a cocker spaniels ears!
  • Watching a bartender in Spain get out a spirit measure! The only reason I go is for the freehand cocktails!
  • The job vs the job interview. The interview when they tell you about the perks, you get your birthday off, its a fun-loving environment, we have a table tennis table and do regular work nights out. The reality is everyone hates it, the table tennis hasn’t seen any action since 1994 and the only people on the work night out are those who have worked there for 20 years in the hope they will make it to senior sales one day!
  • Matt lipgloss. I wear this every day so let me tell you I am somewhat of an expert. These things look amazing but make your lips feel like they have been through some form of chemical dehydration process!Image result for matt gloss meme

That’s enough disappointment from me! Let me know what disappoints you unless it’s my blog posts in which case keep it to yourself!

Ciao for now xxx

 

Things they don’t tell women approaching 30….

Whilst I’m not actually dreading the big 30 there are some things I’ve learned as this age approaches that nobody told me. Let’s end on a high so I’ll start with the cons…..

  • Chin hair. Nobody told me as I enter my thirties I would start transitioning into a man! It started with one rogue hair (thicker and darker than I ever imagined would pop out of my face) now I’ve started to get a chin that to me looks like it’s made of velvet! There are all these little blonde fluffy friends appearing which I fear will turn black and I will end up looking like Beppe Di Marco from Eastenders!

  • Whilst we are on hair what are all these greys all about?! Why are they so thick? They feel like wire and as someone with dark hair there is no escaping them!
  • Bingo wings! Now these are obviously also due to being overweight but when I was 21 I could eat exactly what I want and not go over a size 10. Now I just think about crispy creams and put on 3lbs!
  • Droopy eyelids! I knew tits sagged but who knew my eyelids would also start to go south. I’m going to need to tape them up by 60 in order to be able to see!
  • Open pores. Why oh why oh why are open pores a thing! No amount of witch hazel is helping the appearance of these face craters. In fact this is a perfect time to thank Estée Lauder for double wear!

If you’re 21 and reading this please do not fear. There advantages to the ageing process too!!

  • No more getting asked for ID (although I always secretly hope someone will!).
  • You do not give a shit! I never used to leave the house without makeup. I will now leave looking like I’ve been sucked into a tornado and spat back out again for being too ugly! I just don’t care. I have nobody to impress!
  • You start to enjoy the little things in life like going to notcutts to pick herbs (true story).
  • You would rather go in than go out. This means you can still party with your mates except you’re in slippers and pyjamas with no makeup and your hair on top of your head!

I’m sure there are many more pro’s and cons so please do let me know what yours are? I’d love to hear what I have to look forward to.

Anyway gotta go I’ve got chin hairs to pluck!

I like Angela, Pamela, Sandra and Rita

Like many of us, in my opinion, mostly females due to our raging hormones, I can be 10 different people in a single day!

I thought it may be a nice idea to take you through just some of my many personalities. I’m much like Kevin from the film split just less kidnappy.

Let’s start with the nicest to the darkest to the most annoying of my personalities. I thought it may be good to name them so going forwards Charlie can differentiate between who I am day to day and address me accordingly.

  1. Sarah
    Sarah has to be the nicest by default as Sarah was born angelic, was painfully shy as a child, a bit cheeky growing up but not shockingly. Sarah is someone who wakes up in the morning feeling positive, ready to take on the day and make things happen. Sarah meal preps, eats well, goes to yoga or does yoga DVD’s, looks presentable and smiles at EVERYONE. Sarah’s quite nice, Sarah also isn’t around much.
  2. Serena
    Serena is my fave and I flit between her, Sarah and Sandra mostly. It would seem the S’s are positives in my many personalities. This name was fitting because it means clear, tranquil, serene which is who this person is. Serena is a chiller she will watch a whole series of something in a day. Serena likes relaxing with friends or just chilling with Charlie. Serena will ignore her phone all day because she has no time for the drama. Serena like to go on walks with a view, go for picnics, sightsee etc. Serena doesn’t sweat the small stuff.
  3. Sandra
    Sandra seems to be in a good mood most of the time, she’s a lot like Sarah, shes made an effort with the way she looks, Sandra wears red lipstick and does hair ups when she’s feeling adventurous. Sandra has friends over for dinner and is a great host. Sandra is laughing and joking even when at the dinner table Charlie does everything in his power to mock Sandra and make her the butt of all of his jokes. Sandra sits quietly while Charlie tells people that she doesn’t do anything in the house, Sandra sits and smiles and looks at Charlie, Charlie knows he’s f**ked it at this point and again raises to the table that Sandra is unhappy and has given him the look. Of course, Sandra laughs this off, Sandra doesn’t want an atmosphere. The guests leave at this point Sandra turns into Bethany.
  4. Bethany
    Bethany is not let out of the house and for good reason. Bethany becomes enraged in a matter of seconds! Bethany actually makes herself more livid the more she vents. Bethany says what’s on her mind in a monotone voice, she’s smiling while she’s saying it, this is NOT a happy smile, this is a HOW F**KING DARE YOU smile. Bethany texts people outside of the group chat to rage about the group chat. Bethany has probably 2 friends that she vents too, it’s not good for many people to hear what Bethany has to say, she would be sectioned. Id actually like to take the time to thank the very few people who know Bethany, you guys are saints, apart from Charlie who is often the cause of Bethany.
  5. Caitlin
    She woke up in a bad mood. Caitlyn will ghost you for however long it takes for her to get over the fact that you pi**ed her off in a dream! Caitlin has road rage. Caitlin doesn’t have any patience. If you say something she disagrees with you’re automatically an idiot in her mind, Caitlin has NO more time you! Caitlin is a bit of a D**K HEAD!
  6. Georgia
    Georgia is going to cry at the drop of a hat. Georgia is so bloody emotional and has no idea why. Georgia sits and wallows and gets upset about all the terrible things happening in the world. Georgia overthinks and whilst she realises she is so lucky to have the life she does she just can’t stop crying. Georgia cries at BGT, X-Factor, Films, Songs, TV adverts and also just for no reason. I told Charlie that Georgia didn’t exist when I met him. I lied.
  7. Abigail
    Abigail is anxious about everything! Abigail really cares what everyone thinks. Abigail gets paranoid no one likes her. Abigail is very aware of all danger and is convinced something bad is going to happen. Abigail is the way you feel the day after a heavy drinking sesh. Abigail is a drain! We do not like Abigail at all!

I think now is a great time to point out I am NOT clinically insane although having written the above am beginning to doubt myself.

Id like to point out that my sympathy lies with anyone who has to deal with those who have to deal with a nutcase like me. I know I’m not alone, Id say 30% of my friends are equally mental. I’d also like to point out that most women like myself are thinking of 50 things at any one time, it’s how our brains are wired so we actually cannot help it. If anything, multiple personalities are just another way women can multi-task and for that, in reality, we are absolute superheroes!

Until next time, stay sain!